Derwent and Miles Start a Religious Argument
by Jeremy Ashton

Derwent:
              Are you trying to start a religious argument?
Miles:
              Of course not!

              Why not?
              What do you mean?
              I mean, why not start one? We don't have much else to do.
              I suppose. . . .
              You could make some kind of flagrantly dubious statement.
              Why does it have to be ME who's in the wrong?
              What makes you think you're not?
              Wait! I haven't even developed a religion yet!
              Hurry up!
              OK, OK ~ truth is found in the color brown. Everything brown is preferable. Spritiual people have brown wood finishes in their homes; they eat brown food because it's healthier. All things proceed from the original Brown, Brun, Brahms, Bruno, Brahmin, etc., depending on your culture.
              Nope. You're wrong.
              What kind of argument is that?
              Quite reasonable. Any idiot knows that Browners are all idiots.
              Fine for idiots ~ but someone with normal intelligence sees it differently.
              Average minds ~ just a cut above idiots.
              How can you say anything when you have no personal experience of Brownism?
              My cousin went off on a Brown tangent and now we don't speak to her.
              You obviously won't learn anything if you won't converse.
              I’m conversing now ~ with you ~ and you’re one of them.
              What’s so superior about YOUR religion?
              Mine’s more advanced, refined, sophisticated.
              And you people believe WHAT?
              That lesser religions are stupid. It’s obvious.
              So your whole belief system is just a negative about other beliefs.
              And so?
              Well, it has no actual content. At least mine has a color, vegetables, wood, long-standing tradition. . . .
              We don’t need concrete symbols like that; we’re beyond that!
              Well, hootie–too! You’re so far above the rest of us!
              We can’t help it if we’ve reasoned things out effectively.
              But what does all that do for anybody?
              HAVEN’T YOU EVER NEEDED TO FEEL KNOWLEDGEABLE!
              Aha! You’re getting defensive! The truth is out! It’s just a veneer of false sophistication!
              Works, though, doesn’t it?
              Wait! No fair! You’re supposed to actually believe your own stuff!
              Not in my universe.
              YOURS!!!??? Unreasonable! You can’t just abandon basic integrity!
              Thanks all the same, I find things easier without that.
              Allright then! I get to do that too! From now on us Brownists can fake it too, can utterly lack consistency, present an empty façade, and hoodwink our followers.
              No you can’t.
              I can do whatever I damn well please.
              Fraid not. You’re a fictional character, a mere constructed element of this dialogue.
              Oh yeah! Then so are you!
              Actually, I’m not. I’m real, because I’m the author.
              You bastard! You’ve been secretly manipulating my thoughts and words all along!
              Sorry. There is no and never was any Brownism.
              I’m devastated. I can’t stand this.
              That’s why I did this- just to watch you fall apart.
              (Blubbering) I’ll find a way, somehow. . . .
              Not a chance. You’re not real.
              (Deep, guttural sound) Until now. I now represent the hidden hordes . . . of the NONEXISTENT! We Nonexistent have the only truth. We shall devastate and demolish you Existent Ones. There is nothing you can do!
              Aaarrgghhh! My script is attacking me! I’m choking!
              Think you can get away with inventing characters only to mock them!!?? Take this. . . .
Derwent:
              Aaarrgghhh!
Miles:
              Religious dialogue is now MINE! ALL MINE!!